An exercise for when accepting change is hard
And what I’ve been working on lately
I’ve heard a lot growing up: “Don’t compare yourself to others, it’s just being 1% better than you were yesterday that matters.”
And messages like the ones below can be great. For the right person.
But what about the times when you’re not up to par with your past self, or not where your past self thought you’d be by now?
Not growing starts to feel like failing. Which is tough, because having a standard for yourself of “improve in every area of your life at the same time consistently forever,” as I’ve discovered, isn’t exactly sustainable. And it’s a great recipe for perfectionism and burnout.
Even though I know this, I’ve still been grappling with regression in different areas of my life lately, and trying to figure out how to respond. Embrace it? That feels like giving up. Try harder? That feels like clinging.
This post is me mapping out what has worked best to make me happier and not identify with thoughts like these when they arise.
So if you’ve also been struggling to embrace changes in yourself lately, in your body, your abilities, or how you see yourself, this post is for you.
Step 1. Identify the Concerns
The moments where it’s been toughest for me to embrace change have felt like gut punches. Where the emotions hit in waves, and it’s very painful for a short time and then out of sight out of mind the majority of the time.
For me, it’s moments like:
Thinking about my career and the traditional “status” game, where in high school I was aiming for Yale and big-name jobs, but today, even though I’m proud of my education and work, they’re not the prestige badges I once imagined.
Thinking about my athleticism or appearance, and noticing how my running paces aren’t as fast as in college, or noticing my hairline looks different than it did in high school
Thinking that I go out less than I did in college or still get nervous talking to acquaintances despite how much social skills were a priority to me in college, and what that could say about my confidence or capacity for leadership.
Question: What are the things where you think, “If only this was different about myself, I’d be happier or better off than I am now ?
Step 2. Self-Compassion and Noticing the Story
When I catch myself in these thoughts, the first step is self-compassion. To recognize that having them doesn’t make me a fraud, even as someone writing about personal growth. They’re part of being human.
And I’ve noticed something: the moments I get most rattled by change all follow the same underlying story.
It goes something like this:
If I’m X thing (attractive, athletic, accomplished, etc.), I’ll impress people
If I’m impressive, people will respect and like me.
If I’m respected and liked, I’ll be safe.
I see this story, I can see that I perceive being a high achiever, an athlete, physically attractive, and socially confident as identities that make me safe.
So as any of these things start to look different, it starts to feel like an attack on how safely I can move through the world.
And even though there are errors in the story, it’s important to not beat yourself up for telling it and recognize that there’s no shame in wanting to be safe. Or wanting whatever the hidden desire of your insecurities are. It’s the most normal thing in the world.
Not to mention that it is really hard to stop wanting things like looks, charisma, or athleticism when they have been so ingrained in culture (at least U.S. culture where I grew up) as desirable.
In fact, I’ve only ever met one person who has released their attachment to those identites in any kind of meaningful way, and he was a monk who had devoted his life to running a Buddhist monastery.
Buddhist teachings have helped me a lot when it comes to embracing change, so here comes the philosphy nerd portion of this post, but hey Buddhists figured a lot of this stuff out a long time ago so sue me.
Step 3. Noticing Attachment and Craving
Buddhism stresses the importance of recognizing ‘impermanence’. The idea that everything changes. That the only constant is change. You’ve heard it a million times.
It’s based on what they call the Second Noble Truth, which is the idea that the root of suffering is craving/attachment. In this case, it’s a craving for things to stay how they were, an attachment to the version of us we feel safe and admired as. It’s the idea that trying to hold onto things about ourselves (like physical characteristics or social life setups) that change over time can lead to unnecessary suffering.
And again it’s hard because, in my opinion, how easy it is to“release attachment” to something depends a lot on what that thing is. Like it’s one thing to realize that your phone battery is going to degrade over time and you’re going to need a new one eventually. Maybe it’s slightly harder to embrace the transient nature of many of the friendships you’ll make (e.g. in college, traveling, etc.). But for me it seems hardest to embrace impermanence when it applies to our own bodies and abilities changing over time.
Not at a purely intellectual level, but at an emotional level. For example, maybe you see that you’re getting gray hair but it’s hard to accept the emotions that this brings up. And it’s hard precisely because these are things we base our identities around. I’ve found that my attachment to the stories that help me understand who I am is a lot stronger than my attachment to my iPhone.
Step 4. The “I should be doing more” Trap
The question that seems to pop up when I see changes in my life is: Is the regression my fault? Could it be different if I just tried harder?
Now, there’s a phase of life where radical responsibility is useful. Where saying yes to this question would’ve been the kick in the butt I needed to take action, to stop believing that the world was happening to me and that I could control my own future. When I was younger, assuming everything was up to me helped me grow. Like with social skills for example, when I set out to learn how I could get better at small talk instead of just accepting that I was destined to be awkward
But later on, clinging to control becomes oversimplifying. After a certain point, having the wherewithal to accept that some forces (e.g. aging, time, or some life circumstances) are outside our control can feel freeing. If you’re anything like me, it can remove some of the constant, self-imposed pressure that you might be feeling.
Where I’m Landing Right Now
I’m still working on this. Even if it’s less than I used to, I still compare. I still want to be liked, to feel ahead, to look in the mirror and see a version of myself I’m proud of.
But I’m trying to practice a different way of meeting it. Catching the craving without automatically identifying with it. Meeting the fear with curiosity instead of shame or judgment. Remembering that I’m still ok, and safe, and have people in my life who will love me, even if I act awkward around them, or don’t have a fancy job title, or can’t squat as much or jump as high as I want.
I try to come back to the Stoic sentiment that we can’t control external events, but we can shape our internal responses to them and subsequently how much distress they cause us. So when you notice a thought of being 1% worse than yesterday, give yourself grace. Feel into the sensations it evokes. Approach these sensations with curiosity, and ask yourself if there’s a way to reframe the story behind the thought.
Maybe “1% better every day” isn’t the goal.
Maybe it’s “1% kinder when you’re not.”
Journaling Exercise
Make a pie chart of the labels you most identify with (e.g. brother, athlete, traveler, accountant, yogi). Also list any characteristics you think define you (e.g. charismatic, smart, funny, attractive, nerdy).
What part(s) of that chart and list are you most afraid of losing?
What sensations come up in your body when you imagine those fading away?
What does that identity represent to you — safety, love, belonging, respect?
Have you ever felt those things outside of that identity?
What could you say to the part of yourself that struggles to love you without this identity?
Reading Recommendations
Buddhism for Beginners by Thubten Chodron
Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
