Exercise: Rebuilding self-trust
A tool I used when discipline became painful
As someone who’s identified as a high-achiever, I’ve prided myself on my discipline. But there are times I’ve clung to discipline out of fear of what I learned it means to be undisciplined. So how do you know when that’s happening?
It’s hard, because the fear doesn’t always feel like fear. It feels like logic. Like motivation. Like the voice that “has your back.” But when you really listen, it’s often trying to protect you from an underlying worry: that left to your own devices, you’ll become someone you can’t trust.
I think Joe Hudson summed it up well in an Art of Accomplishment podcast I heard recently:
“The reason you think you have to manage yourself is that you don’t see that you’re inherently good. You believe that you’re like some lazy, gluttonous asshole if you were left to your own devices, and that you need to be whipped into shape.
And if you believe that about yourself, then that’s what you’re going to end up being. And if you believe that you are inherently good, that you want what’s best for you and the people around you, and that you want to have an active, enjoyable, fulfilling life, then what on Earth would you need to be managed for?”
This exercise is about starting to rebuild that trust in your inherent goodness.
The Self-Trust Check-In
This is a parts work-based reflection that helped me realize how much I was trying to manage myself through fear. It's designed to help you get to know the voice that pushes, manages, or says you “should” be doing something —and begin to shift your relationship with it.
You’ll need 15–20 minutes and a journal or notes app.
Step 1: Notice the control
Think of a moment recently when you felt the urge to manage or “get yourself in line.” Especially around food, rest, productivity, movement, or relationships. Write what happened and what thoughts came up.
Example prompts:
“I felt like I had to work out even though I was exhausted.”
“I felt like I should skip dessert even though it sounded good.”
“I felt like getting an A minus wasn’t good enough.”
“I couldn’t rest or watch Netlix or Youtube because I kept thinking I should be doing something more productive.”
“I felt tension because I felt like I was procrastinating Project X and being lazy.”
“I felt like I wasn’t being social or outgoing enough at Event Y.”
Step 2: Let the voice speak
Oftentimes intellectually know that these things aren’t accurate, and we try to shut them down. Or we think they are correct, which makes it too painful to let them go off. Approaching them with compassion and curiosity about everything they have to say can help us understand where that part is coming from and if it is rooted in fear, or trying to protect something that we care about.
Write out what that inner voice was saying. Instead of shutting it down or arguing with it, let the voice say what it needs to. Capture its tone honestly—even if it’s harsh or dramatic.
Examples:
“If you don’t do this now, you’re lazy.”
“You’re falling behind. You can’t afford to mess this up.”
“You’ve lost all your progress. You should feel ashamed.”
Step 3: Get curious
Now write a response from a grounded, calm part of yourself. Talk to the voice. Ask:
What are you afraid would happen if you stopped managing me this way?
What value are you trying to protect? (e.g. health, success, belonging, growth)
Is there a gentler way we could honor that value together?
Let the dialogue go back and forth if needed. You’re not trying to "win" here—just stay with the conversation.
Step 4: Close with gratitude
Thank the part for its effort. Even if you don’t agree with how it shows up, it's trying to help. Let it know you’re listening, and that you’re learning to take care of yourself in ways that don’t require fear or force.
My experience
I first did this exercise when I was in recovery for orthorexia, when the other distress tolerance skills I was trying weren’t working.
A part of me was angry that I wasn’t being allowed to exercise, and was convinced that rest wasn’t in my best interest in that moment. It believed I’d lose everything I’d built if I didn’t keep pushing—and it spoke in language that was intense, critical, and even manipulative.
But underneath that voice was fear. The aggressiveness came from a place of thinking that deep down I was lazy and wouldn’t exercise and look out for my health if I wasn’t driven by the part’s intense discipline.
A belief that I now know, as I am back in a regular exercise routine after having taken months off, isn’t true.
Below is the dialogue I wrote during that moment. If you’ve ever had an inner voice like this, I hope it helps you feel less alone—and maybe offers a new way to respond.
Please note that this example doesn’t follow the exact structure I laid out above because it arose from simply feeling distressed in the moment and wanting to write my thoughts down, and I didn’t concretize the structure of the steps until afterwards.
You don’t need to silence the part of you that wants control. But you can start listening to it differently. Self-trust doesn’t come from proving you’re perfect. It comes from showing up again and again with curiosity, honesty, and care.
