My introduction to inner work
Realizations from The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
I used to think trauma was something that happened to other people — people who’d lived through war, abuse, or major disasters. I didn’t have some big, capital-T Trauma in my past. So for a long time, I brushed off the idea that my own history might have left a deeper imprint.
Reading The Body Keeps the Score was the first time I really started looking at my upbringing through the lens of “little t” trauma (my term not the author’s) — the subtle, chronic experiences that aren’t dramatic but still shape how our nervous systems learn to navigate the world. Things like unspoken pressure to perform, emotional unpredictability, or being praised for composure instead of expression. This book gave me language and context for maladaptive patterns I didn’t realize I was carrying — patterns that showed up in my thoughts, relationships, and especially in my body. Here are my most impactful insights:
💡 Feeling safe being yourself isn’t a luxury—it’s survival.
Van der Kolk explains that kids don’t just want to feel seen and understood by the people around them—they need it. When caregivers or others in their lives are emotionally unpredictable, kids learn to stay hyper-alert. They monitor the mood in the room. They play it safe instead of feeling free to be themselves. They try to manage how others feel so they can avoid rejection or shame. [[Add Chapter Cite]]
👉 My realization: I’ve spent a lot of my life walking on eggshells around people who seemed judgmental or hard to impress.
I wasn’t doing it consciously—I just thought I was being polite or trying to connect. But when I look closer, I can see how often I was scanning for approval, adjusting my tone, and trying to “win over” the people who felt cold or critical. As if their approval would prove something. As if making them like me would finally let me relax.
It wasn’t really about them. It was about a deeper belief—that I had to earn safety by getting everything just right.
The book helped me name that: it wasn’t only neediness or insecurity. It was adaptation.
A nervous system that learned early on that being myself wasn’t always enough to feel safe.
💡 The body holds tension for reasons we don’t always see.
Van der Kolk explains that trauma doesn’t always show up as memories or flashbacks. Sometimes it shows up physically—through digestive issues, panic responses, or most relevant for me—chronic tension. Even if we don’t consciously remember distress, our bodies often carry the imprint of how we’ve had to move through the world.
👉 My realization:
I’ve always been a stiff person—tight hips, tight back, tight jaw. I used to think I was just built that way, or that I hadn’t stretched enough as a kid. But this book introduced a new possibility: That the source of the tension I felt wasn’t just physical, but also emotional.
It introduced to me the idea that maybe my body was holding onto patterns of tension from years of trying to stay in control. Pointing out, correctly I think, that I’d spent years in a state of subtle bracing — like my nervous system was always anticipating something. Moving through the world little guarded, a little clenched, and trying to hold everything together.
It made me think more about how I’d lived. I prided myself on being disciplined—having strict routines around nutrition, fitness, studying, even social time. I thought it was just how I operated, how I could set myself apart and achieve more. But under the surface, I realized that what looked like discipline was actually fear.
Fear of what would happen if I skipped a workout.
Fear of eating something “unhealthy” and what that would say about my willpower or desirability.
Fear of seeming lazy, undisciplined, and unambitious if I watched too much YouTube or Netflix
So I clung to control. Perfect routines. Structured plans. No softness.
And that constant vigilance and pressure shaped my body—without me even realizing it.
This book helped me understand that becoming looser would take more than a few minutes of pigeon pose.
💡Trauma healing requires reconnecting to the body.
💡 Dr. Bessel van der Kolk writes that when it comes to the aspects of trauma that we carry in our bodies, we can become so good at avoiding uncomfortable sensations that we stop feeling much at all. Reconnecting with the body, he says, is one of the most important steps in healing. Not through analysis or willpower, but through learning to safely notice what’s happening inside—sensations, urges, tension, stillness—and staying with it, little by little until it becomes clear that the body is not working against us.
👉 My realization: I hadn’t realized how much I’d been trying to manage my body instead of listening to it. I didn’t fully trust it. I worried that if I let go—I’d overeat. Or stop working out. Or socialize less and get lonelier. So I built rules and systems that protected against these things happening.
But I’ve been learning that the micromanagement isn’t actually necessary. That tuning in is often enough. That when I pause and actually check in with myself, my body doesn’t lead me off a cliff. It gives me signals that actual guide me in the direction of what is healthy and good for me. Sometimes that is working out, but sometimes that’s resting. Sometimes that is eating a salad, but sometimes it’s enjoying the social vibes of a birthday party and the cake that comes with it.
It’s not always easy and I still miss the signals. Sometimes I want to let external voices be my guide about what I should eat and how I should train and live my life, but subjectively I can say that my internal signal is usually more accurate. And the more I listen the less it has to yell to get my attention, which has made me a lot happier and less internally conflicted day-to-day.
If any of these realizations have resonated with you, I’d highly recommend the book as a jumping-off point for inner work.
Book Link: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748
